So I got the bad news yesterday: after confronting my neuro-oncologist, he told me I had about 3 to 6 months to live.
After evaluating all my options carefully, I have asked to be put on carboplatin ASAP and got my wish yesterday morning.
Earlier last week I was having dinner with a close (lesbian) friend of mine, also in YogaTree‘s Teacher Training, about how we could use our health challenges as our strengths. I was only thinking about her — blinded to the fact of my own crazy situation. She turned the question back on me. I lowered my head and shook it in agreement: “of course”. It seemed so obvious, there’s a saying: “if it were a snake, it would have bit me”. Thankfully I’ve been doing Tonglen Meditation and facing my worse fear every day for about two weeks previous. So that night I purchased Yoga4CancerSurvivors.com (as of this writing it is currently under construction). So I’m planning on joining a support group for “the life-expectancy challenged” and offer yoga classes and/or meditations.
While waiting for the in line for train to the MRI, I was approached by “M” (not his real name, age 50). He said there was something about me that he felt he could just open up to me — right in front of every one in line. He obviously was in deep, deep pain over a relationship and needed someone safe to open up to. Darren, YogaTree’s Teacher Training Program Director, warned us that we will have this effect on people attending our yoga classes — but this was my first time that this happened to me outside of class. I traveled in the seat next to him until his stop in San Bruno. I just let him talk to me and there were several instances where we both teared up.
Even though everything seems dark and desperate, and my MRIs look troubling and on the verge of hopeless, I’m not afraid of this journey…but I can’t do this alone. If people reading this could practice doing a Tonglen meditation for me, or dedicate a yoga practice to me, or pray for me — because I believe strongly that we are all connected and that it all helps. I’m going to need all the help I can receive in order to transform this cancer into a source of healing for anyone struggling with cancer.