3 to 6 months to live?

18 05 2011

So I got the bad news yesterday: after confronting my neuro-oncologist, he told me I had about 3 to 6 months to live.


After evaluating all my options carefully, I have asked to be put on carboplatin ASAP and got my wish yesterday morning.

Earlier last week I was having dinner with a close (lesbian) friend of mine, also in YogaTree‘s Teacher Training, about how we could use our health challenges as our strengths.  I was only thinking about her — blinded to the fact of my own crazy situation.  She turned the question back on me.  I lowered my head and shook it in agreement: “of course”.  It seemed so obvious, there’s a saying: “if it were a snake, it would have bit me”.  Thankfully I’ve been doing Tonglen Meditation and facing my worse fear every day for about two weeks previous.  So that night I purchased Yoga4CancerSurvivors.com (as of this writing it is currently under construction).  So I’m planning on joining a support group for “the life-expectancy challenged” and offer yoga classes and/or meditations.

While waiting for the in line for train to the MRI, I was approached by “M” (not his real name, age 50).  He said there was something about me that he felt he could just open up to me — right in front of every one in line.  He obviously was in deep, deep pain over a relationship and needed someone safe to open up to.  Darren, YogaTree’s Teacher Training Program Director, warned us that we will have this effect on people attending our yoga classes — but this was my first time that this happened to me outside of class.  I traveled in the seat next to him until his stop in San Bruno.  I just let him talk to me and there were several instances where we both teared up.

Even though everything seems dark and desperate, and my MRIs look troubling and on the verge of hopeless, I’m not afraid of this journey…but I can’t do this alone.  If people reading this could practice doing a Tonglen meditation for me, or dedicate a yoga practice to me, or pray for me — because I believe strongly that we are all connected and that it all helps.  I’m going to need all the help I can receive in order to transform this cancer into a source of healing for anyone struggling with cancer.




13 responses

18 05 2011
Robin Vandenbroeck

I just finished reading “Raising the Dead” by Chauncey W. Crandall IV, MD.
In it, he agrees, he says, “Cancer is an evil; just because you can see malignant cells under a microscope doesn’t mean they aren’t an expression of Satan’s will to destroy God’s creation. The thorns on a vine, which anyone can see with the naked eye, are the result of evil influence, as Genesis tell us (3:18). Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Cancer is a demonic spirit; like so many things that reflect Satan’s character, cancer takes a good thing — cell reproduction — and introduces subtle twists that make it destructive, in fact a killing machine. Cancer opens one’s eyes, in a sense, to the spiritual battle in which we are all engaged at every moment. When are we not being assaulted, in one way or another, by evil? It’s vital that we learn to act on what God tells us — to play our part in the establishment of God’s kingdom — even as we suffer all “the wiles of the devil” (Eph. 6:11 KJV).”
This is a powerful book, I read it in a day and a half.

20 05 2011

Personally, I don’t believe in Satan, My personal philosophy is that the universe challenges us in many ways. What we do with these challenges is completely up to us.

20 05 2011

Hey Tom:
Sending you lots of daily positive thoughts. You continue to show amazing strength and a positive outlook.
Lots of support from Southern CA!

19 05 2011

I am a friend of MA’s. I will be praying you.

19 05 2011

i breathe in your cancer and the cancerous web attached to it, like some soft resilient jellyfish, making sure to pull on each small fibrous wrapping root.
i breathe out and a wren sings on the top branches of a nearby tree

20 05 2011

Thanks Roxstyle — you are the best 😀

19 05 2011
Tina McKenzie

Hi Thomas. I hope I am responding properly and that you get this message. I wanted to tell you that I certainly will pray for you and do meditations for your healing. I also wonder if you have read any of Dr. Andrew Weil’s books…there are so many examples of people who have been given diagnoses like yours that were proved false. Hang in there, we will support you!

20 05 2011

I wish it was a false diagnosis — but on 4/14, I was found across the street from my home experiencing a seizure. An ambulance was called, and I was literally pick up off the street. Thank god I was able to give the ambulance the basic info before I passed out from the next seizure. According to the people in the ambulance, I experience one more seizure for which I was thankfully unaware of. They kept me over night in the emergency room. So as much I wish it wasn’t true, these tumors are impacting my life on a daily basis. I am having to take increasing amounts of anti-seizure drugs twice a day just to be “functional”.

20 05 2011

We are with you Tom.

20 05 2011

Thanks for your support — it is very much appreciated 🙂

21 05 2011
Liz L.

Praying for you. Please keep us posted.

23 05 2011

Roxanne gave me this news. It was a big shock.
All our hearts and best wishes are all here for you.

My friend told me about one miracle story of a Thai lady who was diagnostic of breast cancer and later spread to lung and brain cancer over 2 years ago. Doctor told her that she had 3 months left with her family and two kids. She didn’t (never) give up but has lived up with strength and a new complete healthy life style with a lot of meditation. She really has great spirit for many more years to go.

Miracle always happens to good people and you are one of those that many are praying for and sending you love and support every single day.

God bless you.

30 05 2011

Tom. I have been praying for you since I met Robin. One of Satan’s greatest weapons is non belief. There is no good without evil and I agree with Robin on this one that the evil in this world seek to destroy what God has created and use something good to make something bad. I pray to the Creator for your healing both physically and spiritually.

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